Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
