I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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