i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
