There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
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The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
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At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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