You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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