ugly people sure do ruin things
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She bit a glass in half.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
