i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You made out with two different species that night
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
