Sober January is a disaster.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
