I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
