i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Randomize
