I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
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You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
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Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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