Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
