i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
