He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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