I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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