The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
