You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
