Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
