Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
