His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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