moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
