You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
