Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
