At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
