I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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