just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I need water and some morals
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
