Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Randomize
