PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
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I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
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So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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