i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
COCAINE IS GR8
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Pooping to opera.
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