fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
