yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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