I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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