U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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