booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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