I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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