I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
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He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
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He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.