So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
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I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
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Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis