I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.