I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?