you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.