so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
