Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
false alarm, still single
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
