i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
we're making bets on your personal life
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
