So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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