I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
