so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Randomize
