And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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