Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
