Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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