If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
