his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
