Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
