I'm eating all of the evidence.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
