i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
