Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I would ride that face into the sunset
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
