First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
