He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
