Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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