I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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