he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
