Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
