my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Couch. On fire.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
