Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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