You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
So vagazzling was a success
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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